Jul
06

An Open Letter to America

By

Dear America,

Hi. It’s good to see you again. I’m glad I could make it back home for your birthday this year. I had forgotten how crazy we all go for that Independence Day of yours. It’s quite the celebration – fireworks galore, small-town festivals, cotton candy and obnoxious t-shirts that say things like “America: Love it or leave it” or “These colors don’t bleed.”

I’ve really been surprised to find how endeared I am by your wear-it-on-your-sleeve patriotism, even when it gets a little overt. It’s so quaint to see the handmade patriotic signs hanging in the windows of Main Street, so nice to see everyone reflexively stand in unison as the singer at the Forth of July celebration sings the national anthem.

That’s not to say that you’ve got the market cornered on patriotic citizens. Hell, I just came from Europe in the midst of the World Cup, where the soccer football fans are as loud and annoying as they purport us to be when we travel through their countries. I even went to St. George’s Day celebrations in London, which is the national patriotic day for England. But I’ve got to be honest with you: nobody does patriotism like ‘merica. They don’t even have the day off of work for St. George’s Day! No barbeque, no trips to the lake, no loud, tinny music from old stereos while we throw the Frisbee around.

But do you know what I’ve really missed about you, America? You’re so darned efficient. It’s really one of your best traits, although not many people appreciate it. When I tell people in Wales about how handy our drive-through bank windows are, they scoff. “You mean people are too lazy to get out of their cars?” People just don’t realize how much we value order. From the drive through banks/restaurants/pharmacies to the dual-conveyer belts behind the grocery store checkouts, you’re built for with me in mind. “How can I make that easier for you, John?” you seem to say.

There are a few beefs I have with you though. Top among them is portion sizes. America, I lost twenty pounds after I left you — without even trying! Sure, you’ve got some great food, but why when I order one scoop at the ice cream shop in Nisswa do they give me two heaping scoops? Why does a burrito from Chipotle weigh the same as a small dog? I used to love it – hell, I still love it, I’ve probably put on more weight in the last week and a half than any human has a right to. I tell ya, if you just knock down the portion sizes (and prices) by 30%, you’ll have cured the obesity problem in America.

An American Super Sized Grocery Store

I’ll give you this: you know how to do things supersized. I come from a relatively small town of 50,000, but even there you have more big-box retailers than you know what to do with. My parents just finished remodeling their living room, so one of the first things I did when I got home was go to one of your national chain hardware stores to pick up some quarter-round, a long, narrow strip of wood that visually joins the floor with the baseboard. It’s a pretty specific item, but I’ll be darned if you didn’t have it somewhere in your hundreds of rows of hardware. Not only did you have it, you have two full rows of varieties to choose from. By contrast, all the shops in the UK and Ireland are tiny. A humongous grocery store to them would be but a size normal sized convenience stores to you. You do big, and you do it well.

I’ve loved visiting you, but you know what? I think I’m gonna stay away for a bit longer. I learn so much about you by being away. I become a fierce defender of you, flaws and all, particularly to those of us with American citizenship who jokingly say “I’m Canadian.” (But more on later in my next blog entry.) I’ll return back to you eventually, but for now I’m going to stay abroad finding out what makes you, you. In the meantime, thanks in advance for letting me pull a Prodigal Son on you.

Sincerely,
John F. O’Sullivan

Categories : Blog Posts
  • Maura

    loved reading your commentary! Come home again soon!

  • Maura

    loved reading your commentary! Come home again soon!

  • http://nuts4fruits.blogspot.com/ nuts4fruits

    It's interesting to read that you might return to the US one day. I might have assumed that you burned that bridge. Your observations on the differences between (North) America and Europe are spot on. So this Canadian is awaiting your next post ;)

  • http://nuts4fruits.blogspot.com/ nuts4fruits

    It's interesting to read that you might return to the US one day. I might have assumed that you burned that bridge. Your observations on the differences between (North) America and Europe are spot on. So this Canadian is awaiting your next post ;)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    I'm not ruling out the possibility of staying abroad if something amazing happens (I meet someone, i get a job, etc), but for now this remains a temporary (albeit long-term temporary…think a year or so) indulgence.

  • Sally Stenzel

    John, I liked that one! You are too funny. You literally made me LOL.

  • Sally Stenzel

    John, I liked that one! You are too funny. You literally made me LOL.

  • http://twitter.com/clarekleinedler Clare Kleinedler

    I’ve found a way to avoid those overly chatty checkout clerks in the Irish grocery shops. I now use self check-out exclusively! Considering we have to bag our own groceries anyway, there’s no real advantage to using regular checkout. I simply pick a station, pass my groceries through the scanner, place in bag and pay the machine. No more standing in long lines held up by the chatty checkout lady discussing such intriguing subjects as her dog’s latest haircut with her customer who also happens to be her neighbor. Those days are over!

  • http://twitter.com/clarekleinedler Clare Kleinedler

    I’ve found a way to avoid those overly chatty checkout clerks in the Irish grocery shops. I now use self check-out exclusively! Considering we have to bag our own groceries anyway, there’s no real advantage to using regular checkout. I simply pick a station, pass my groceries through the scanner, place in bag and pay the machine. No more standing in long lines held up by the chatty checkout lady discussing such intriguing subjects as her dog’s latest haircut with her customer who also happens to be her neighbor. Those days are over!

  • Cham0198

    Hey John! Was just thinking about where you were and what you were up to – glad to see you are continuing your travels and adventures! Thanks for the insight and excellent writing. Always good to hear about what your thoughts are – wishing you the best on the next leg of your journey!Kate

  • Cham0198

    Hey John! Was just thinking about where you were and what you were up to – glad to see you are continuing your travels and adventures! Thanks for the insight and excellent writing. Always good to hear about what your thoughts are – wishing you the best on the next leg of your journey!

    Kate

  • Asdlkfjasd

    Dear John,This blog would be less douchey if you would stop douching all over it.Thank you.Love,PeterP.S. See you at our American Bar drinking American beer on Wednesday.

  • Asdlkfjasd

    Dear John,
    This blog would be less douchey if you would stop douching all over it.

    Thank you.

    Love,
    Peter

    P.S. See you at our American Bar drinking American beer on Wednesday.

  • Aadfs
  • Aadfs
  • Tallbrewnette

    I kind of stumbled on your blog via 20sb. I'm also an American who fell head over heels for Ireland. I spent quite a bit of time in Galway last year, and have been trying to get back since. I like reading your blog, its nice to see someone else my age who has a similar story- what with college education leading to a hard economy, which leads to people like you and I traveling the world, picking up whatever work we can find, and simply enjoying the ride. Life is far too short to stick around and wait to land a desk job with good benefits. I hope to continue following your blog. I find myself in different places all the time as well, and there's never any shortage of things to write about. Nice to meet you, John! xo Tall Brunette http://www.tallbrunette.wordpress.com

  • Tallbrewnette

    I kind of stumbled on your blog via 20sb. I'm also an American who fell head over heels for Ireland. I spent quite a bit of time in Galway last year, and have been trying to get back since. I like reading your blog, its nice to see someone else my age who has a similar story- what with college education leading to a hard economy, which leads to people like you and I traveling the world, picking up whatever work we can find, and simply enjoying the ride. Life is far too short to stick around and wait to land a desk job with good benefits.

    I hope to continue following your blog. I find myself in different places all the time as well, and there's never any shortage of things to write about.

    Nice to meet you, John!
    xo
    Tall Brunette

    http://www.tallbrunette.wordpress.com

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

  • http://www.johnfosullivan.com John F. O'Sullivan

    Thanks Katie. Aren't you off on your own adventure in NZ again? I'm glad to have such a diverse, international crowd reading the blog. :)

G’Day!

Current city: Melbourne, Australia

After acquiring dual citizenship with Ireland in 2009, I uprooted from my native Minnesota and moved abroad. Two years and a dozen countries later, I'm figuring out what it means to be an expatriate and blogging along the way.

First time here?

Here's a sampling of some popular posts:
• December 14, 2009
• "Do you consider yourself a team player?"
• 10 Things About Ireland You'd Only Know from Living Here
• Settle Down
• The Long Haul
• An Open Letter to America
• Dry Irish wit
• Invasion of the body scanners
• Suicide by train
• Safety first
• On returning to your high school job at 26
• 10 things about Australia you'd never know without living here
• Trans-continental romance

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