Bravery

“You’re so brave,” they say to me
But bravery takes fear
The acceptance that one could fail,
Willfull risk-taking despite potential consequences

Open and empty suitcases lay strewn across my bedroom floor
Yet again, I leave the country for an uncertain future
Yet again, I haven’t done nearly enough preparation
I let others think this is my free-spiritedness

“Are you excited to leave?” my coworker asks me
Like clockwork, everyday he asks me
And like clockwork, I respond insincerely
“Sure am.” Truth is, I haven’t given it much thought

I lie wide awake in my bed. I glimpse my future
Penniless, in trouble, in an unfamiliar place
No one to turn to for help
My pulse quickens, I feel faint

I go to war with the anxiety
I push the negativity out of my mind
And replace it with my alternate future
I am happy, fulfilled, self-actualized

But the negativity remains
Whether I focus on it or not
“You’re so brave?” Hardly.
I’m just ignoring that which scares me most